I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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