god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
