peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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