if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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