Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
