Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
