Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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