If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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