I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize