True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
