my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
