I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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