i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
