i was born a porn star she said
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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