Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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