Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
