There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
