You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
