Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
