all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
