new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
