Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
