who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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