Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
