Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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