and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
