I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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