This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
