Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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