just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
