dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
