I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
