so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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