Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
