Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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