You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
