Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
only you would photoshop your dick
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
