yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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