1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
