just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He shit in the fireplace
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
