So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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