I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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