awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wish there were birth control emojis
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
