Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
