You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
