I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
