A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
