i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize