I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
