Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
