im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
