Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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