I will die if light touches me.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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