And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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