He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
