she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
