i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
