dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
